Thoughts on the Self

(April, 2024) Originally written for now-defunct Very Cool Sh*t Magazine

The question of “who am I?” first rattled my mind in early adolescence. At the ripe age of thirteen, I figured I was best encapsulated by the music I loved, which conveyed the profundity and chaos of my mind in much more poetic ways than I ever could. In burgeoning maturity, I identified the pain of being misunderstood and isolated as core parts of my human experience, and therefore parts of myself. My Self. Now, seven years later, the idea of myself feels as elusive as it did then, only some progress has been made in understanding it.

The Self, as I believe it to be, is the core energy with which we entered this world. Like all energies it cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can certainly be muddled, imprisoned, and empowered. We all knew who we were during childhood, the thrill of exploration came out of getting to know the complex and dynamic world around us. But, as we grew older and conventions were imposed upon us from our parents, society, and the systems in place, we learned to suppress the “undesirable” aspects of our Self and nurture the inverse. The Self was no longer in the driver’s seat, it had been relegated to the infant car seat, powerless and naive in the eyes of all the “socially acceptable” parts of us. In the worst case scenarios, the Self has been stuffed in the trunk, tied up and forgotten but occasionally remembered if it were to make a noise when life hits a speed bump.

The Self, transformed from the eyes that we saw out of and the destiny that led our way to a dormant presence in the shadows of our mind. Though immobile, the Self can never truly be killed by the other parts, try as they might, as the death of the Self would surely mean the death of the entire system. The Self cannot stay in its hibernation forever, rearing its head just when you think you’ve figured it out, proving that you have not.

Everyone has a Self that is curious, compassionate, and creative. This Self tells your other parts that they are welcome to exist alongside it, and to make their peace with it as they will always have to coexist for as long as you are conscious. The Self can better be described as the sensations of being rather than through descriptions of an entity.

The Self is the excitement you felt when playing the way you did as an unburdened child. The Self is the spaciousness in your mind when you are overcome with possibility. The Self is the curiosity you feel when coming upon something new for the first time. The Self is the inner compass leading you forward to your destiny, and whether you follow its arrow or not, it will always point toward True North, always illuminating the way for when you tire of superficial and foreign goals. The Self is courage, strengthening your resolve when entering unfamiliar territory, assuring you that for as long as you live you will always be able to weather the storms of life.

Like all energies, the Self is best understood by allowing it to take hold, by experiencing its true magic and giving it control of the car once more. The parts that you have picked up along the way can advise on the journey, but they understand that despite their best efforts we live in a paradoxical and absurd world and therefore the only thing that will remain is your Self.

So, who am I? I am the tranquility in my heart when I strum my guitar, when I admire nature, when I cuddle with my cat. I am the pride of making a room burst into laughter, of performing a scene from a play, of creating and sharing an original piece of work. I am the compassion for the family of ducks crossing the road, for the people who are disenfranchised and struggling, for the people that came before me and made me possible, despite the pain and heartbreak of existence, and all the ways they were not able to be their Self. I am the utter gratitude for all that is, all that has been, all that will be, and all which I have the capacity to imagine.

I am my Self, and a million other things.